Thursday, November 06, 2008

A long-winded response to "OMFG: A Tribute to Sarah Palin"

My "too long-winded for the comments box" reply to O'Reilly's interview with Carl cameron posted earlier today by solon.

Here's "O'Reilly Logic", at its most dipshitty:

1- "The woman's not a stupid woman," she just needed to be "tutored" in current events, basic government, geography, rhetoric, the English language, American and world history, what skills, experience, or duties she is supposed to have, how to read and remember the titles of things she has had "placed in front of her", the difference between "mine" and "yours", how to take criticism, how to answer the questions she is asked rather than talking about what she wants to, that you can't subtract $150k from $20k, and so forth.

So, she's not a stupid woman; she's a standard pre-kindergartener, really.

I defer to Robert Fulgham:

Share everything.
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.
Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

It shouldn't take her more than 12 years to bring her up-to-date with most high school graduates on these "the basics."

Then, 2- He forgives her not being able to name the title of anything in the media or exhibit differentiation "all" and "some" by saying, "She didn't want ot be bogged down by a lesson before" the interview.

1) She's not a stupid woman
2) She can be tutored easily
3) They knew the questions that would be asked and prepared answers and information
4) Who the fuck has time to learn?
5) {omitted}
6) This is obviously not her fault

I'm going to call it now: O'Reilly has achieved "The Underwear Gnome Paradox", which is itself an offshoot of Johnny Cochran's infamous "Chewbacca Defense":

This is Chewbacca, Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk, but Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now, think about that. That does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee - an eight foot tall Wookiee - want to live on Endor with a bunch of two foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! What does that have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! None of this makes sense. If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests. DAMNIT!


M said...

Hey--as the mother of a pre-kindergartener, I take offense at you classifying Palin as such. Wild Man shares much better than she does.

solon said...

It really just gos to show how, for some "serious" people like O'Reilly, politics is just American Idol. Who cares whether or not Palin repeatedly shows she knows nothing about the Constitution: she'll learn.

I mean, look, Bush did.