When I was in middle school, I was the last of my friends to wear makeup, get my ears pierced, or shave my legs. My mother, who I thought was completely unreasonable, wouldn't let me do any of those things until I was 13. Of course, as an adolescent girl left alone in the house every morning (both parents had to leave for work before my school bus arrived), I often raided my mom's stash of makeup--using far too tan foundation to make my nose look thinner, like my teen magazines recommended. I also ended up snagging one of her razors to shave my legs when I was 12. She found out, but what was she going to do about it, really? Yes, it was an arbitrary age for my mother to choose. But, now that I'm an adult woman and a mother, I think she was completely right. Was she trying to prolong my childhood--were those magic three activities markers of womanhood? Maybe. As frustrated as I was by these restrictions, I am so grateful that I never had to deal with the likes of this.
Seriously--a bikini wax at age eight?!? And eyebrow waxing? And tanning? And dieting? And hair-bleaching? And microdermabrasion? What kind of women do these parents want their daughters to become?
The author suggests that an ugly phase is important for self-development--that terrible school photos make us appreciate what we went through when we're older. She also points out that there's a thin line between forced bikini waxes and facials for girls with "bad" skin or manicure parties. Do mother-daughter spa days cause girls to become self-obsessed women? I guess it depends on the spa day. I know that, to some extent, my body issues were passed on to me by my mother, who certainly had (has) her share. And my father's commentary on the barely dressed women walking down the sidewalk in my beach town ("Nice" [if she looked good] or "She could stand to walk a few more miles" [if she didn't]) certainly didn't help. But, let's say that both my parents were of the "everyone is different, and we're perfect just the way we are" variety--how much power would this have had against Seventeen magazine, Beverly Hills 90210, and the girls at school who were happy to point out the many ways that I didn't fit in? I don't know.
So, what are we parents to do as we raise our children--girls and boys. Can I teach my son not to objectify women--even as he watches close-up shots of the cheerleaders' breasts during a college basketball game? Or while his friends rate the girls in their class on a scale of 1 to 10? Can those of you with daughters teach them that their worth lies in who they are and not what they look like? Can we teach our sons the same thing? I hope so.
6 comments:
I struggle with what to do when Sweet Baby J reaches the age (which is getting younger and younger) at which she starts to look critically at her own body. Like you, my mom has a wealth of image issues that she passed on to her daughter in turn.
Initially, I had decided to fake complete confidence in myself in an attempt to pass it on to my girl. But now I'm thinking she'll see right through that bravado. Luckily, I still have a few more years to figure this out, but it's such a frighteningly fine line to walk between admitting your own insecurities and encouraging them in your child.
I've come to the conclusion that there's nothing you can say to your kids that will help--at least not so long as your own action and attitudes don't tell the same story. I think I was more affected by who my mom was in terms of how she related to her own body than I was by anything I heard her or anyone else say. i heard her call herself fat and disgusting or worry out loud about her stretch marks. I saw her stand in the mirror and pull her clothes this way and that. I knew she took over an hour to get ready in the morning, even though she wore a simple hairstyle and modest makeup. I still knew she would never go out without makeup or with her hair in a ponytail. I saw her use dexatrim to keep her weight down. I watched her shaving her legs and under her arms even while we were camping. And she got my sister and I into measuring waist arms legs thighs with a measuring tape.
One of the things that helped me later in life was knowing a few women who genuinely didn't care what they looked like. you can't fake confidence or self-acceptance but I do think accepting oneself, being one of those women who isn't overly invested in her own physical appearance, could help.
I think that what you say, Anastasia, is so true! My mom was constantly yo-yo dieting--she'd get very thin, then gain it back, then get thin again, and so on. My dad, in the meantime, would tell us that we "didn't need that cookie." So my brother and I both took to scarfing down *all* the cookies when no one was looking (I don't need to tell you all that this stuff affects boys just as much as it does girls).
I agree with you and Megs that faking self-confidence isn't an option. Kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for! It would do us *and* them so much good to actually believe the (positive) hype and model true self-acceptance. Now, if only we could do it... :)
Having an 8-yr old daughter, I can speak with a bit of experience that there's a difference b/t completely "faking" confidence in front of a child and simply modelling and reinforcing a healthy body image. For example, I obviously don't walk around the house saying "I'm perfect just the way I am," simply so H can hear this...I don't pretend this is reality for me, and I don't expect it to be her reality either. But, what I will do is be attentive when she makes comments about her body or tells me about conversations she's had at school with other girls (they happen maybe once a week); really try to hear what she's saying (and not saying) in those moments; and explain a couple of ideas that really are true (as opposed to me "faking" some rehearsed line):
1) people come in all shapes and sizes
2) being healthy is the more important than the size you wear
These are both things that I really believe, and repeating them to H is an effort to be honest with her about the fact that her mom doesn't look like a model or a movie star, but I'm generally happy and healthy, and that's what is most important. She's seen me naked quite a bit for most of her life, and that may also help in the sense that knows I'm not ashamed about my "wobbly bits" (thank you Bridget Jones), and I'm certainly not going to dwell on them in front of her. I've also made it a point to *never* diet in front of her or even say that I'm on a diet. I do model healthy eating habits, for the most part, which has resulted in her usually making good eating decisions when she's away from home.
Everyone is right to say that kids are smart enough to know when we're full of s*&t, but there's a middle ground b/t passing on our own body image issues and trying to convince our kids that we have no issues. One of the biggest benefits to the approach I've taken with H is that, after a few years of saying these things, I've actually gotten a healthier attitude about my body. She reminds me that there are way more important things I should be focusing on.... like her :)
I think you should file this under "What the hell are these people thinking?" Granted I have a son, but should I ever have a daughter I cannot imagine taking her to get a bikini wax at an age when most girls shouldn't even be wearing bikinis!
Like Supa and Megs, I was brought up by a fairly conservative mother; I got my ears pierced a second time when I was in college and my mom was pissed even then. I do agree that decreeing that a girl can't shave her legs until she is 13 is arbitrary; I think it makes more sense to say that a girl can shave her legs when she is responsible enough to do it without cutting herself. That said, I do see value in delaying things for a long as possible. My niece is 13, and my sister has taken the opposite parenting approach that my mother took--she lets her daughter do everything much earlier than our mom let us because she doesn't want her daughter to be "traumatized" by her peers. I don't think this is any healthier than our mom's approach. And my niece, who is taller and more voluptuous than either my sister or I was at her age, gets regular manicures & pedicures, can wear make-up, and gets professional salon haircuts that cost about $65 (ok, so they do live in LA). My sister has declared that her daughter will bypass the awkward stage that she feels she endured for far too long. I think my sister is trying to relive her own adolescence through her daughter, which is as unhealthy as any of the attitudes our mom past on to us.
My point is this: yes, our parents past on their screwed up body images to us, and it is perhaps inevitable that we will do the same to our own children. I do hope, however, that with the assistance of self-aware friends like you all that I will be self-aware enough to know what I'm doing so that I can help Wild Man and any future sibling(s) understand what it means to have a healthy body image.
I too struggle with this. My mom passed on many (if not all) of her issues with food (we comfort eat) and her body to me. Her occassional comments about the size of my rear (which is a bit bubblier than anyone else in the family's) throughout my adolescence didn't help. While my mom is by no means thin, she will without hesitation remark on my weight and has the power to reduce my confidence about my body image to nil in about two seconds. I don't want this power. i want the power to encourage and celebrate my daughter's appearance.
That said, i can't help but think that no amount of pampering or spa treatments can really help a girl through the awkward phase of her pre-teens and teens. Those ages are psychologically as well as physically awkward. Treating the outside only, as the women in the article do, only postpones the issue of a girl/woman coming to terms with her self and her body.
I can also only hope that Baby A won't get my butt!
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