This is something that has weighed upon My Mind for Some Time Now, Gentle Reader, and I feel as if My Silence is no longer so very Golden. For those Readers who are not, perhaps, the Most Constant Readers of This Humble Author's work, some background: despite the heavy-handed Victorian Sensibilities, This Humble Author sides more with her Sister Suffragettes than she does with her Sister Lintons and Ellises and Ouidas. That is to say, This Humble Author is, first and foremost, a Feminist. As she is a Nineteenth-Century Gal stuck in a Twenty-First Century World, she also regrets the lack of suffragetting in her life, per se.
All of this preamble to say this: I am saying so long, farewell, and good-bye to the notion of Congratulations. Not that I would not, say, congratulate Dr. Solon on his recent accomplishments. No, Friends, far from it! Rather, I am Tired, yes, Tired of the Self-Congratulations we see toward My Sister Feminists.
Recently, there has been Much Discussion regarding powerful women and their "Ability" to balance both family and career. This is a familiar topic, is it not? We have heard it before, Gentle Reader, and I dare say, even with the stalwart efforts of This Humble Author, we shall hear it again and again. Women are to be Congratulated for Amazonian efforts toward balancing Family and Career.
In my humble opinion, Friends, this damages everything feminism has fought so very hard for.
By saying that a woman is to be Congratulated for "Balancing Family and Career," we reiterate, again and again, ad nauseam, the following:
1) That family and career are things that must be balanced;
2) That to do so is Rather Difficult;
3) That this is a problem Unique to Women;
4) That if a woman does not do such balancing, then she is not to be Congratulated, which then
5) Assumes that all women want both a Family and a Career, when we all know Rather Well that some women want both, or neither, or just the one, and is not that what feminism fought for, anyhow?
Ultimately, however, by saying a woman is to be Congratulated for balancing a Family and a Successful Career, we are saying that Women Must Do So and thus we perpetuate the stereotype over and over again that Women Must Go Above And Beyond to participate in any sphere, public, private, or otherwise.
The personal is political, yes, and as My Third-Wave Sister Feminists responded to their Big Sisters, so, too, is the political personal.
That is to say, We, all of us, man, woman child, canine, must balance Something and Something. More often than not, we must balance Lots Of Things. I am rooting this in the discussions surrounding politically powerful women, yes, but if such women were childless and rather, say, the sole caretaker of ill parents, would we still try to give them the same applause? No, because there is something that is seen as Unique to Motherhood and thus Not-Unique to Fatherhood, or Parenthood, in general.
This is not a diatribe against Motherhood or Parenting or even politically powerful women. Nor is this a Call To Action. Rather, this is a Call to Awareness. Let us stop insisting that this is something to be Congratulated, because then we are just perpetuating the idea that women cannot simply live their lives in the public eye as vice president nominees, as the wives of presidential nominees, as community leaders, as graduate students, as stay-at-home moms, as single women, as teenaged girls.
We, All Of Us, are balancing something every day. I have great respect for my friends who balance work and children, the same as I have great respect for my friends who sacrifice personal time to volunteer, or stop school to take care of sick parents, or simply drive an extra 18 miles a day, with the price of gas well over three dollars, to let the dog out. Let us instead celebrate what we are rather than how we socket into preconceived notions of what one gender should or should not do.
Wait. I do not want to leave this Gender Neutral.
No, let us celebrate that women no longer need to socket into stereotypes. Let us celebrate that in 2008, we can deny those pre-conceived notions of what constitutes Motherhood, Parenthood, Selfhood, Partnership, Friendship. We can all of us Right Now make the Conscious Decision to Reject the Stereotypes and Labeling that, while we like to think we have conquered, still suffer under greatly.
The first step is to stop acknowledging that women, in order to have something other than just their careers, must Balance.
And then, we can say Good-bye to Congratulations.
3 comments:
I have to say, given some of my recent comments, including my discussion with Roof yesterday, that a lot of this is directed at me, and as such, I feel like I must respond to it.
First, I never congratulated Sarah Palin, or any other woman for that matter, on balancing her home and family life. What I said, rather, in doing so (which I now concede she may not do as effectively as I originally thought) is that she can be seen as a role model for other women. What I didn't say, but I thought was implied given what most of the people who regularly read and contribute to this blog know about me is this: women who desire to achieve that balance still struggle to achieve that balance. I, for example, struggle every day to be a good teacher, a good research, a good mother, and a good wife. I struggle every single day to find a balance between my public and my private lives, both of which overlap in ways that I can't even begin to explain. My sister, who is successful manager for a major corporation and has a husband and two teenage children, struggles with these issues every day. My own mother did, as did my grandmother. I do not feel that my desire to achieve such a balance stereotypes women, nor do I feel as though it negates those women who do not desire such a balance, who do not desire children, or who do not desire careers. Perhaps I was inadvertently reinforcing stereotypes, although I'm not certain I was. In retrospect, my mistake in saying that Palin could be seen as a role model for her (and I believe the exact word I used was seeming, which, my friends, implies that one is doing something in appearance, not necessarily in actuality) is in desiring such a role model for myself (and, I want to make it very, very clear that I am in no way claiming that I see Sarah Palin as a role model for myself).
The first sentence should have read "I have to say, given some of my recent comments, including my discussion with Roof yesterday, that I feel like a lot of this is directed at me. . . "
Hi M,
This is directed to what it is: the constant need to congratulate women like Palin that I have seen over the past several months. While the subject may have been inspired by recent conversations you have had with Roof since, as Roof and I are married, those conversations have made their way into our "real life," my discussion is not "directed at you." If I had intended to do so, I would have put it in the comments of the discussion you had with Roof. I don't do coy or passive aggressive. You are my friend. If we have a disagreement, I do you the courtesy of having it with you, via internet or no.
My argument is this: of course you struggle to balance. We all struggle to balance. That is not the issue. What is the issue is the constant need to congratulate *women* specifically for balancing family and career. That, I feel, reinforces the belief that women and thus not men *must* balance Family and Career. The Family part of the equation is always always always rooted in Motherhood. You know this; I know this. My annoyance is the social expectation toward women that they *must* balance the two, and if they do it "successfully" (i.e. be a mom and have a successful career) then they are to be congratulated for exactly what you and Supa and P-Duck and Megs and everyone else is doing and has been doing since the dawn of time: working and having a family.
It is hard. Of course it is hard. No one argues with that. Rather, I feel as if as feminists begin to do this, much like Paglia in the quote referenced in the post you and Roof have been discussing, we begin to fall into the trap that women *must* balance family and career but not, you know, say, men. Or that if a woman chooses to be a mother, then she must be careful (so careful!) not to choose to privilege one over the other--a baby or CEO desk version of the Lady and the Tiger dilemma--because then she is not "balancing" and is thus either
1) a bad mother
2) a bad feminist
This is my problem. This is my quarrel. No one accuses a man who privileges his career as being a bad father. Rather, he is dedicated, and hard-working, and ambitious. Of course they do not. So my argument is to stop the self-congratulations (we all do it, in American society) and lauding of women for doing exactly what they have been doing for centuries.
I apologize if you felt this was an attack against you. It was not intended to be such. Rather, it was an attack against the topic which has bothered me for some time.
Ciao,
Amy
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