My wife mocks me for this on an almost weekly basis, but here goes. From “The Internets”:
At times, I judge a sports team by their uniforms. I cannot be a fan of a team that wears horrifically ugly uniforms. I cannot concentrate on the team or game when the uniforms make my eyes bleed.
Here are some of the worst offenders. From the NFL:
The New Orleans Saints- you may be “America’s Team” but your choice of black on black means you should lose every game in which you wear that choice. The same applies to Baltimore and Jacksonville.
Miami, Seattle, Baltimore, and countless others: white on white? Is that a deliberate choice? Miami, even the orange jersey is a better choice than white on white. But that is not saying much. The same applies to the University of Texas: White on White with White helmets. I think the color sends a message, but I cannot figure out what it is.
The Denver Broncos: you blue with just an orange gives me nightmares. Go back to the Orange Crush. Orange Jerseys; white pants; blue helmets.
N.Y. Giants- the red is radioactive, or at least on my TV.
San Francisco- When you wear the gold pants and play, like you did yesterday, it looks as if you all urinate in them. Nothing seems more professional than a team that pisses their pants. Individually and collectively. No wonder why you don't win.
Cincy- I hate almost all of your uniforms. Your oragne Halloweend duds and your black on black. You're cursed because of your unform choices. At least in the late 1980s and early 1990s you were respectable.
From the NHL:
The Nashville Predators- mustard as a third jersey? And people wonder why hockey should not be played in the South, and by South I mean 150 miles south of the Canadian boarder.
San Jose: Teal is never a good choice but your third Black on Black, well, see above.
Carolina and Pheonix- Red, and red alone, does not work. But, see the 150 rule. Even the purple Kings were better or the yellow and purple for that matter.
Baseball and the NBA-
I don't watch you. I am sure you all have bad uniforms, but I wouldn't know.
For a top ten list of the all-time worst, see Fox Sports.. I disagree with the Canucks choice; however, I cannot disagree with the rest.
Other suggestions?
4 comments:
Mrs. Solon oughtn't mock you for taking a stand on suich an important issue. Rather she should be proud to have a husband of sufficient integrity to really be there, in the public square, ready to risk his reputation and honor simply for doing what is right.
Because ugly uniforms really, really can ruin a sports team.
One you (amazingly) missed from NFL: Tampa Bay. Foor Chrissakes, guys, lay up on the brown pants will ya? O, did someone say "pewter"? Yeah, right. Those pants are pewter. Sure. Which by the way, if they were really pewter, they would perhaps be even uglier than they currently are. Which is saying something.
Speaking of Ugly. From MLB:
The Astros unis are horrendous. The home ones just scream boredom, like the team is a predictable middle aged husband who's about to be laid off.
The road ones seem to vary a lot from gaudy to extremely gaudy as they search for Interesting, but wind up sharing only ugliness as a common theme. But then, as an aesthetic concept this team just lacks something, anyway. And then of course when they go retro from the 80s it just decomposes into Absolute Butt-Ugliness.
Harrogate-
I did not "miss" the Tampa Bay Pirates uniforms; I try not to watch them play.
I do think your description of the Astros is the best description of a baseball team I have ever heard.
Harrogate or Solon:
How about the Cleveland Cavaliers retro unis? Vendors pass out welding goggles to ticket holders as they enter.
I think Mark Price and Brad Dauherty would have taken pay cuts and sat out the game those were worn back in their day.
Claymation:
Do you mean this Atrocity?
Yeah, that shit's pretty bad. Though the Cavs unis have never exactly been smooth. Harrogate's seen some dog-ugly Mark Price pics on the Internet these last couple days.
And for the love of all that's holy check out the Nuggets Road Unis on the link Solon provides. Yeah, the Nuggets still function as a study in the Unappealing, but compared to that shit, they are now Michelangelo.
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