The UNI Ranking

I know, I know: I am way beyond my time.

Paul Lukas, at ESPN, developed the "UNI Ranking," which gauges a city's performance in the crucial category of athletics aesthetics with the uniform numerical index, a.k.a., the UNI.

For an explanation:

Here's how it works: First, only cities with at least three major-level sports teams are eligible for a UNI ranking (college and minor league teams don't count -- because there are too many of them and because their uniforms tend to change too frequently anyway). Unfortunately, this means two-team cities such as San Diego, Milwaukee, Charlotte, Buffalo and Nashville didn't make the cut (and are therefore implicitly uninhabitable). But ineligibility can have its advantages: Because Cincinnati has only two teams, for example, it was spared the albatross of having its ranking pulled down by the Bengals.

Assigning teams to specific cities involved a few judgment calls. Should the A's, Raiders, Warriors and Sharks count as San Francisco teams? (Yes.) Should the Nets, Devils and Islanders be filed under New York? (No.) Should the Patriots be assigned to Boston? (Duh.) That sort of thing. After lots of careful consideration, Uni Watch ended up with 20 U.S. cities plus Toronto meeting the three-team standard.

A rigorous, highly scientific set of standards then was employed to rate the uniforms of each team in the 21 cities. The ratings, on a scale of one to five stars, roughly translate to the following expressions of civic pride (or angst, as the case might be):

Five Stars = "Man, is this a great city or what? Why didn't we move here sooner?"
Four Stars = "Hey, maybe that broker's fee wasn't so outrageous after all."
Three Stars= "I really like it here. But you know, I like lots of places."
Two Stars = "I pay property tax, school tax and garbage tax just so I can look at this?"
One Star = "Call the movers -- we're leaving tomorrow."

After adding up a city's ratings and dividing by the number of teams, Uni Watch ended up with the city's average score. Because a uniform can be enhanced or diminished by its surrounding context, especially on TV, a stadium/arena bonus (for particularly attractive settings) or penalty (for domes or artificial turf) of as much as one point was applied to certain cities. The average score, plus this bonus or penalty, yields the city's final UNI, destined to become the key yardstick of urban stature.

The winners (rating in parentheses):
(1) Boston (5.25- Everyone looks good at Fenway; bonus point awarded)
(2) Chicago (4.8)
(3) San Francisco (4.33)
(4) (tie) Los Angeles (4.0)
(4) (tie) Pittsburg (4.0)

Rounding out the top-ten:
(6) New York (though, the Islanders fell off the radar) (3.83)
(7) (tie) St. Louis (3.67)
(7) (tie) Cleveland (3.67)
(10) (tie) Philly (3.5)
(10) (tie) Houston (3.5)

I think that the writer should have created a top-ten list for the unlivable places.