Monday Night Raw Draws Nigh, This One's For Henry James

Greetings readers, welcome to this copywrighted lead-in to another fantabulous edition of The Rhetorical Situation's award winning live Blog of Monday Night Raw! Harrogate would like to dedicate tonight's blog to Henry James,
whose dual penchant for profound metaphyscial musings on the one hand, and deliciously shallow gossip on the other, would have made him perfect as a ringside announcer. But he'd be doing color analysis. We'd still have Jim "Oh My God Has He No Conscience, No Soul, No Fellow Feeling For Other Human Beings!!????" Ross doing play-by-play.

8:00 p.m. Central Time, folks. But for those of you on, for example, Singapore Time, check local listings. There's a lot at stake going into tonight: with a card filled with Main Events looming just 6 days away at Summerslam (Only on Pay-Per-View), momentum is everything. Harrogate is ready to get Raw . . . Are you? See y'all at 8:00!

8:06, Charlottesville, VA. Edge opens things up with the revelation that he has invaded the house where Cena grew up in Massachusetts. How humiliating, he slapped Cena's own father across the face! Edge likes to get personal, ad hominem or bust. Now Cena has Freudian reasons for kicking Edge's ass as soon as possible .... and the rest us need to be avenged for having to hear Edge tell us, in his own droning way, all about his history with Cena. (Harrogate loves it that the hyper-offended Jim Ross refers to Lita as "that damned woman")--Does it get any more disgusting than watching Edge and Lita tongue each other? Harrogate submits Henry James would have found it crass. Coming up next Lita the walking venereal disease challenges Mickey James for the women's gold, and rumours abound that Hulk Hogan is in da house!
8:19 Lita with an assist from Edge completes the circle, now that she is women's champion she and Edge are the "golden couple"--they're a modern day John and Jackie Kennedy! (Jim Ross still can't see how Edge and Lita live with themselves afer what they 'done to Cena's daddy')
8:30 p.m. "Wallow, wallow, wallow" ventilates Mick Foley, implying that Flair will bleed to death at Foley's hands at Summerslam! Harrogate is surprised Foley has any voice left, he yells so loud and fast. But then, his is the proverbial tale told by an idiot signifying not shit ... Umaga early, and against a scrub (bad writing unless they're setting the stage for more Umaga later) . . . Harrogate will say this: the man can straight-up do it in the ring. And he loves that Umaga sets up his opponents with the ole ASS TO THE FACE
8:50 WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Nature Boy Ric Flair in Charlottesville, on UVA campus, one of William Faulkner's favorite spots incidentally. Foley interrupts Flair's demolition of Johnny Nitro, gets an assist from Mileena, mugs Harrogate's favorite cultural icon,and remains uglier than a four day pile of cow dung.
9:15Shawn Michaels and Triple H, most famously known as D-Generation X (get it), make their grand entrance at the top of the hour. These two are by far, WWE's big show stoppers, of the moment, they carry the narrative. Now they get a chance to respond to the shenanigans of the last two weeks, but not without the McMahons hetting ther interruption on . . . Words pass, heated words . . . Triple H reminds us all several times that he and Michaels are indeed D-Generation X, and Mr.McMahon reminds everyone that he's the biggest name in the history of wrestling. Meanwhile Jim Ross at ringside is still fuming over how Edge and Lita 'done Cena's daddy.' More must come of all this . . . perhaps something serious will go down between Carlito and Edge . . .
9:30 Eugene and Hacksaw Jim Duggan versus the five male cheerleaders donning chartreuse, Spirit Squad. Good Lord. Then comes the Highlanders, WWE's elegant hat tip to the Scottish archetype, to balance out the ringside numbers and help out team Eugene. Victory Eugene, with an assist from the lovable Scots. Now, Harrogate is expecting big things out of these last thirty minutes--don't let him and his fans down, WWE!
9:52 Umaga and his manager appear to have finally started to figure out that they were mere pawns in Mr. McMahon's game. Harrogate would find i interesting to see Umaga end his briliant "heel run" and turn good. Lita, meanwhile, has already done an interview with WWE.com and Raw not even over yet. Trish at ringside with Carlito, knocks Lita on her tushie, and it looks like they're officially a couple now, or as they used to say in Harrogate's day, 'going together.' Edge, aka "Rated R Superstar," manages to Spear Carlito, but Cena rolls into the ring and proceeds to pummel his nemesis, both to avenge his daddy (Jim Ross likes it) and send a message for Summerslam. It takes security guards holding Cena back to get Edge out of there in one piece. Main Event is all that's left, looks like it's going to involve Hulk Hogan and Randy Orton, Jr. . . .

It's all about promoting the ice-cream truck, pay-per-view. Hogan and Orton briefly skirmish, bt they're not going to give away the popsicles for free. Hogan still gets the great call-and-response from the crowd, but Harrogate wonders if he can still get it done in the squared circle.

Well, readers, Harrogate bids thee adieu. Have beauteous evenings, kick back with a Henry James novel and clear your slates for Summersla come Sunday!