Thursday, April 16, 2009

If Texas Were to Secede...

would you notice?

During one of the April 15th AstroTurf, I mean, grassroots organized Tea-Bagging Parties, sponsored in part by Fox News, Gov. Rick Perry announced to a crowd that since the Bailout presented Constitutional problems, Texas may need to secede from the Union.

But the real focus of his comments have little to do with Texas actually leaving form the Union. While the comments were delivered to feed the passions of the angry base (see some great photos here, here, and here, they make little sense in terms of secession.

Instead, I would argue that the focus of the comments concern Gov. Perry's opponent for the 2010 Gubernatorial race against Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson.

As we know from previous Texas elections, Perry cannot mistreat Hutchinson just because she is a woman. During the 1990 Gubernatorial race, Clayton Williams refused to shake the hand of Ann Richards after a debate, made a poor decision by telling a rape joke, and as The Houston Chronicle notes, Williams the Rancher compared Richards to his cattle, stating he would "head her and hoof her and drag her through the dirt." During the 2008 Presidential Election, John McCain canceled a fundraiser with Claytie because of these remarks...

Knowing this, the best explanation for Perry's remarks is that he is a showing a sign of strength against Hutchinson. This strength, of course, is Texas talk for manliness. The Huffington Post notes that Hutchinson, "issued a newspaper opinion piece Wednesday criticizing the Democratic-led Congress for spending on the stimulus bill and the $1 trillion appropriations bill." For a conservative Texas audience, this opposition to the stimulus would be similar to waiving a white flag in the air. Translation: Hutchinson writes things in a Newspaper that is biased; Perry proclaims things to a crowd of savage beasts, or, whatever.

In all probability, Perry is not only positioning himself to be the strongest conservative in the state but in the nation. (Calling Sarah Palin: "Are you done with your feud with the Johnson family? Because if you cannot manage your house," the other Conservatives will insinuate, "how can you manage the country?") And if you are a Conservative that cannot proclaim authority, what do you have?

Of course, it is certainly clear that Republicans lost the elections in 2006 and 2008 because they were just not conservative enough and the Country needs more tax cuts. But who can be conservative when you spend your days developing memos allowing the use of torture, torturing people, or defending those who torture? It must be exhausting...

If anything, at least Perry did not stoop down to the actions of his fellow Aggie, Claytie. It is an encouraging sign for women in Texas' politics that they are no longer subject to rape or violence jokes. Progress, we can proclaim!!! Of course, the race is still young and you never know what will happen when the polls say you are losing to a woman in Texas, right Claytie?

Though, returning to the original subject of the post, I wonder what would happen if Texas were to secede. Perry, Or Chuck Norris, could offer some lame argument that the state is "defending the Constitution." Of course, when he, or Norris, acting as President of the Republic sat down to write a new Constitution and making the necessary alterations to the U.S. Constitution (School Prayer, Abortion, mandatory machine guns in every home, banning The New York Times), would the secession then be a treasonous act? If they were to write a new Constitution, they could not be defending the old one. This would be a replay of Luther v. Borden. Well, not really. In fact, they have nothing in common.

But maybe it is time for Texas to leave the Union. And take South Carolina with you. But not North Carolina or Georgia. N.C. is now blue and Georgia has too many NY transplants. Maybe we can give you Alabama and Arkansas but retain Florida. But then, who takes Nebraska? I suppose the North should retain Kansas. And Virginia. But no way should it retain West Virginia. Nope. Never going to happen.

To decide this matter, I think the question you need to ask yourself is, "What has Texas (or South Carolina, etc.) done for me lately?" Then maybe we can get a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors. A tournament perhaps?

The good news for the students in Texas is that if Texas were to leave the Union, they would no longer be ranked 48th in education and they finally could learn real scientific theories, such as Intelligent Falling.

Of well. It is all Obama's fault anyway. The recession, the massive government spending, the unconstitutional power, and the torture all started on January 20th, 2009. Maybe I should have thought more carefully about my vote before this crisis of "competnce" worsens.

Photo from Crooks and Liars.

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